a dream. a girl.

life is pretty good.
i am on that road.
and i am heading somewhere really fast.
achievement.
creativity.
freedom.
life.

but there's this girl
and she made me feel
what? why? why do i feel that?

life is falling into place.
my dreams are here and they are calling me home.
they are calling me home.
art.
money.
airplanes.

life.

but this girl is so beautiful.
and if she so much as looks at me,
i'm handing her the keys to my life.
please don't look at me.

i am on my way.
i have worked so hard, for so long.
i am finally reaching that place of respect.
recognition.
privilege.
EVERYTHING

but she smiled at me
and I don't know anymore

what is to gain?
what is to lose?
who am I?
who is she?
what do I want?
what does she want?

i am getting on this plane.
my dreams are waiting on the other side.
i have had this dream since I was five.

she's had this dream since she was 4.
she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
i can't cope with her smile.
please don't smile at me.

there i am

and you remember a little memory of being under the streetlights on some damp november night from when you were 16. and you were dressed to impress even though you felt silly as if everyone would know you were only 16 when you were trying to pass for something really old, like 18. and you remember how beautiful she looked even though right now the memory is just a blur. and you can't help but wonder why the building is so clear and the sky so clear but the memory of her face is like one of those tv shows where they blur out the ones who wouldn't give permission.

and you realise that's exactly it, the girl never gave you permission to keep her in your memory. in fact she'd probably rather she stay there as a blur because the blur is far more perfect than who she really is. but this hazy memory is perfection. it may be a blur but it's the most beautiful blur you've ever seen.

and she said 'i hope you come tonight,' and you came along, and you sat in the corner munching on the free snacks as she danced with her boyfriend. there's no way she loves that guy, i mean, there's nothing too him. there's everything to you. that's why you connect with her so much.

and you are aware that you are only 16 years old. but you aren't aware that who you are at 16 years old becomes imprinted on you forever. the photograph of you at 16 says everything about you. and you don't understand how a boy in a picture can have so many dreams, and you--- and you are still that boy, but at the same time you're not him at all.

If she had loved you at 16, who would you be today? what age would you be? when you're 24, when you're 39, when you're 73.. do you want to feel something new or do you want to feel what you felt when you were 16?

there's a blur. there's a photograph. there's a smell you can't identify. there's a road you walked down. there's a word she said and there's a meaning you took from it. she meant something else but, deep down, you still believe she meant it for you. because if she didn't, then being 16 was a waste of time. you live the rest of your life in the hope that a girl will say something to you and it will make you feel like you're 16 again. you are after that feeling.