dream a little dream for me.

i am so tired oh so so tired. so i thought ahead as to what days i want to be untired for and figured it'd be okay, especially if i can get some sleep tonight. i really need some sleep tonight because tomorrow is a long work day. not that i really need to be awake, i mean, i could sleep through it and still get everything done. but at least, with sleep i wouldn't be so grumpy, i wouldn't need so much caffeine.

i blame my pillow for most of the time i am unable to sleep.

i also blame myself for still not knowing whether i sleep with one pillow or two. and i don't know which side to lay on. and where are my arms meant to go? anywhere i put them, it's so unnatural. how confusing.

i am so tired. and i have a really bad headache. i tried figuring out what the headache is trying to tell me. was it telling me i am just tired? is it telling me i'm stressed? is it telling me to hold something back? is it telling me to chill? is it telling me i'm grumpy? what do you want headache? am i allowed to take a pill to ease your spell on me or would that be breaking the rules?

ugh. i should sleep. i only blogged this out to see what tired, headachy blogging is like. no way am i spell checking, or adding photos.

i wonder what i'll dream about. are the dreams already written and cast? i guess i'll never know. i wonder where the dreams will be set. i wonder if she'll be in them. probably not, as rumour has it she's signed a long-term dream-deal with Rick, who i despise. it's weird going to bed and not knowing whether it'll be a normal dream or one of those ones where my ex-girlfriend rents a monkey to perform hanson songs to me whilst i am mud-wrestling with a woman called kate who keeps saying the word 'chive' whilst doing hitler salutes; as everyone i knew in school is standing there making ham sandwiches.

it's time to sleep. goodnight.

While You Were Sleeping.

I'm awake. I think I'm awake. I'm not moving. Am I still asleep?. Who's that? Am I dreaming?. Wiggle toe, wiggle. Come on. Hold on, I'm not breathing properly. What is going on? Am I breathing? Fuck--- come on, am I breathing?. I'll scream. I'm screaming. I'm shouting. Can't you hear me?.

You are not shouting. You're laying dead still.

I am not asleep, I know this because I can feel my arm under me, I can sense my whereabouts, I'm awake. Okay, time to get up. I'm lifting my arm up. I'm opening my eyes. I'm looking around the room. Come on eyes, open! open!. I'm pushing out with my arms, and I'm calling. Is no-one hearing me?.

Your arms are not moving. You are not calling. Are you breathing?.

Oh fuck, is this it? Am I breathing? Am I going to die in my sleep? This is it, oh God. This is awful. I'm trying to fight, nothing is happening. Okay, maybe I'll just chill out. Okay, I'm chilling out.

A wave crushes through you. It's like you're being zapped away on a rollercoaster, or taken to some other plain of existence. You're definitely not laying in your bed anymore.

But I am laying in my bed. I'm not moving, I'm hardly breathing, I feel a pressure on me. COME ON FEET, MOVE! GET ME OUT OF THIS!. Oh God, Oh God.. who was that? What is that figure in my room? What's that sound? What's that blue flash? Oh my God. I'm dead. Am I dead? I'm not breathing. Oh God. Oh God. Please help me. Someone please help me! Oh fucking God what is happening to me.

You are sleeping peacefully.

OH FUCK, please. Just let me breath. Let me open my eyes. Let me move. I can almost feel my little finger. Come on boy, move that finger. Maybe you can do something.

You are laying dead still.

Come on, come on finger! Fuck, I've stopped breathing. Fuck. Come on.

Your finger moved.

You've opened your eyes.

I'm awake!!! I'm breathing! I'm alive! I'm normal. Okay, things are fine. Although, I feel like there's a ghost in the room. I'm turning the light on.

--This is the joy of Sleep Paralysis.