moments as they pass.

i step out into the air sometimes, and feel like i know everything about the universe. not that i really know anything, it's not an intellectual thing, it's just a feeling. maybe it's just the feeling of the wind. but whatever it is, it feels good. it happens if i'm out on my own at 5.37am, or it happens if i'm making my way home in the cold at 1am -- i look up to the sky, see a few clouds, see the streetlights, and everything seems important somehow. it's just a feeling. it comes maybe once every few months. i wish i knew how to hold onto it.

it's that same feeling you get when you go on a holiday for two weeks. on about the ninth night, you sit on the beach and you put your left hand in the sand and feel how real it is, and you do the same with your right hand except you are disturbed by the cigarette end at the tip of your finger. but with both hands, you realize everything is important somehow. and you hear the water crashing in and you feel a bit more alive than you did earlier in the day. but it all feels important somehow. and you hear a beautiful girl in the distance, she's about 19 - and she's messing around by the water with her boyfriend, and you're a bit jealous of how much fun they're having, but you're not too jealous, you kind of love to see them happy. because it all feels so real, and so important somehow.

and it's just a feeling, it's some kind of light breeze that sweeps over you every now and then, and you can't put it into words, it's just there, and something about it makes you smile as you snap a leaf from a tree and fiddle with it all the way home. there's something about the world, something about your place in it. it feels easier than you've been making it. everything makes a little more sense.

the campfire.

and we read stories of people sitting around campfires

and dancing

and playing

and smiling

and dreaming

and we read stories of nights that lasted for days

but for us we

shared files

posted on walls

tagged things

deleted stuff

clicked, sorted, and managed

and we read stories of glances

and feelings

and believing

and loving

and dreaming

and flying

but for us we

thought about texting,

put smiley faces in emails

avoided the phone call

uploaded & decoded

and we read stories of nights that lasted for days

a bucket list for the living.

think, sleep, pee, dream, hope, confuse, run, stay, hide, dive, grab, become, watch, leave, like, love, believe, deny, cry, fight, stumble, demand, take, create, break, steal, decide.

do any of them. do all of them or one of them, just don't write a blog instead.

September.

"I can't remember, what went wrong last September, though I'm sure you'd remind me if you had too." -

John Mayer, 'Comfortable'

September was the month when she got cancer. September was the month that he got cancer. It was late August when he got hit by a motorcycle, but the aftermath was in September. It was a September when she left me. It was a September when I left her. Every sentence is about a different person, except for me. I was present for all of those. September is not like any other month. September has a weight to it. You can feel it in the air. You can feel it as you breath. Relationships form and relationships break. In September, you find out who you really are and you find out who you are not. This is the month when you can lose everything and find nothing. The reward you crave is that someone will say it's October. Sometimes October never comes.

"as my memory rests

but never forgets what I lost

wake me up when September ends" -

Green Day, 'Wake Me Up When September Ends'

The weight is something you can't avoid. The ghosts of September past are here. You can feel it in the air, you can feel it in your stomach. It's why you don't sleep and it's why you don't smile. Your energy is zapped-- you are just floating through the month, desperate not to focus on anything.

In September, the phone rings. Someone is having a scan, somebody is flying somewhere, someone somewhere is doing something. But you wish they'd just avoid all these things and stay in some bunker of safety. Just stay there and wait till September ends, for everybody's sake.

"I had a bad month in September,

October scared the hell out of me.

I got lonely,

In November,

But December's where I want to be."

I'm not going to blog for a while. Take it easy.

nothing.

and i didn't even realise i was lonely. i didn't even realise i had nobody. nothing, there is nothing, i don't have nothing but nothing, it's less than anything.

they don't call me, they don't need me, they don't want me, they don't know me.

it's not even something, it's not even anything, it's absolutely nothing.

and i'm just sitting in my room.

and i'm just sitting in my room.

nothing, nothing, nothing,

i'm doing nothing

not even. ANYTHING.

i'm wasting this day.

i wasted yesterday.

i'll waste another day.

take another bite of me

Yes, I am scared of the fucking dentist. And here's why.

The dentist told me my teeth were awesome for years. I was the boy with no fillings, which was extremely rare. Everything was fine. And then one day, out of nowhere; I was like 14, they tell me my bite is all out of place and loads of panicky stuff about how it will affect me. And I'm like "dude, I don't want a brace" but they tell me I can have one of these ones that you can take in and out. I'm glad they gave me the option, cause I took it out.

Truth be told, I just wasn't man enough to wear braces and be proud about it. Our school was tough like that. So I basically just wore this brace thing at night. But it seemed to work, because the dentist was like 'woahhh, all fixed. Great. Your teeth are now lined up. Sweet.'

And then it was like a year later when I was at some dentist and the panic buttons went off, alarms everywhere--- YOU HAVE NO ENAMEL LEFT!!!!. The dentist said "hey stumbling falling dreaming flying, do you realize you have NO enamel?" and I was like "what's enamel?" and he said "it's important stuff" so I said "make sure I have some" but he said "you don't have any."

"So where the fuck is my enamel?" i asked, he pointed to a little display of coke cans and juices and said, "these things stole your enamel," so i said, "well let's steal the enamel the fuck back" and he said, "you can't, coke steals enamel forever," and i said, "correct me if i'm wrong" and he said, "you're wrong," but i said "i haven't even started yet" and he said, "okay sorry" so i said "correct me if I'm wrong but you've never mentioned enamel to me before," and he said, "no" and i said, "well i'm glad we cleared that up."

So my teeth have been about one fizzy drink away from disappearing for like 15 years or whatever now. And occassionally I'll notice when looking in the mirror that my teeth are eroding, chipping away. And it pisses me off, why did i find out about the enamel thing so late? Why, when I was 12 or whatever, or during the whole brace thing didn't someone say, "dude, enamel. it's bad. stop drinking lemonade."

So i stopped the fizzy stuff and the fruity stuff and all that stuff with acid. I got hooked on tea. Tea had the glorious caffeine and it didn't make enamel die.

So i was like 17, and it was a really grumpy age for me. I've analysed the reasons closely and found that the reason I was grumpy was because I was 17. I said, "do you have something i can take to make 17 less painful?" and he said "yeah, turn 18."

So anyways, I went to the dentist and he said, "you really need to stop smoking," and i said, "but i don't smoke," and he said, "that's funny, but you must stop smoking, your teeth are disgusting." So I said, "mate, you'd better shut your fucking pie hole," so he said, "okay, but you must stop smoking" and i said "i don't smoke. If you tell me I smoke one more time i'm going to tell you to shut the fuck up," to which he replied, "stop smoking," so i said, "shut the fuck up."

So he scraped away at the brown gunk that had clung to my teeth. This guy was supposedly a professional dentist, you'd think he'd know the difference between cigarette shit and tea shit.

So i stopped going to the dentist. And now, like, my teeth are fine, kinda. But they're getting a bit small, i think i grind away. And the enamel is evidently fucked because my main teeth seem to be ebbing away. Delightful. And my smile comes with yellowy-brown-tea-ness. Usually, when a girl says, "keep your mouth shut," it's offensive, but with me they just find it more attractive that way.

So I hate going to the dentist because I feel like they'll make shit up that I wasn't aware of like, "oh my god have you been watching the BBC?," and I'll say, 'yeah why?' and they'll say "the BBC causes giant flammable tooth decay!" and then I'll have to deal with that too.

Suffice to say, I've not called up a dentist for a date in years. Until today. My appointment is next week. And it's an NHS dentist, so i get to do the whole british healthcare thing. At least I can. Unless of course there is some kind of dental death panel with Adolf Hitler sitting next to Stalin and Obama. But then, that would be kind of amusing, especially if i could convince them for a game of scrabble.

go a different way.

Life happens quickly, then you die.

People repress you, then you die. People fight with you, then you die. People are jealous of you, then you die. People are destructive towards you, then you die. Or maybe you are repressive, a fighter, jealous and destructive. Either way you are numerous things and then you die.

Or you could go a different way. We have a tendency to moan about the people in our lives; we'll work for ten years with a repressive boss, we'll spend thirty years putting up with a jealous, destructive friend. Well, I'm telling you, you can go another way.

The first thing to do is accept that you are part of the problem. You play the victim, you sit there like fresh fish. You play a role which allows someone to be jealous of you, or angry towards you. So the first thing you can do is address this pattern with the person causing you strife. Or, if you are strong enough-- you can change the pattern; you can choose not to be victimized.

Or maybe it's time to let someone go or change your situation. Quite often it's pretty obvious and you've had everyone who knows you saying, "I don't know how you put up with it."

"Jealousy is fear of abandonment." -unknown.

When a jealous person fears losing you, they'll do anything they can to undermine your relationships and opportunities; and they'll do it by playing on your insecurities. So when things go wrong, you feel like you're to blame. A person who does this is not someone you want in your life. Their jealousy becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, because to NOT abandon them will leave you repressed and miserable for the REST of your life.

You are made to feel like shit, and then you die. Or you can go a different way.

It's one year ago today that my Uncle went out for some milk, and was killed crossing the road as a speeding motorbike struck him down, severing his leg; leaving him dying in the street. Things can really end that quickly. The great thing about his life is that in the five years prior to his death he changed his life completely, and in a birthday card to his wife, my Aunt, not long before his death; he wrote that it had been the best year of his life.

Life is short. If you die tomorrow, you need to make sure you righted the wrongs in your life. Getting rid of the destructive people in your life isn't a task for some distant, hazy tomorrow, it's for today.