Better Days

Isn't today a wonderful day? And I feel bad because I'm losing touch with you, internet. Outside it's a wonderful day. It might be sunny, it might be raining -- either way, I'm still breathing. You're still breathing. Everyone is still breathing. So today is a good day.

If you're worried about smiling, it just takes one smile to make a smile and we can all do it right now. Go smile at a stranger, see them nearly have a heart attack when they see it. Who cares, they're still breathing.

Isn't today a wonderful day? You can jump up in the air. You're allowed. You can have your iPod really loud. You're allowed. You can email an old friend. It's allowed. You can have a beer. It's allowed. You can watch an old movie. It's allowed. You can say to your boss "in a minute, I'm doing something". It's allowed.

You're allowed to have a wonderful day. Let's have a day free of repression, depression and reflection. Let today be today. You're breathing, I'm breathing, our houses are standing and there's tea in the pot.

Come on, I'm not joking.. keep that smile on your face.

Feel it. Feel alive, feel some pride, feel everything.

Today is a great day. And if someone you love is not having such a good day, maybe they can't have the best day ever, but you can make it a bit better. You can make them breath easier. All it takes is a phone call. A box of chocolates. A bad joke. A smile. A ticket. A song. A Dance. A dream.

Wow, what an amazing day.

I'm breathing, you're breathing, and Van Morrison is on the radio.
I'm breathing, you're breathing, and someone loves you.
I'm breathing, you're breathing, and you deserve some ice cream today.
I'm alive, you're alive, and we feel alright.

What a day to be alive. And the good news is? Tomorrow's looking just the same.

summer dreams ripped at the seams

it was a warm summers night, some years ago. she was everything then but she could be anywhere now. she used to call because she wanted to know how i was at night, she wanted to hear me before she faded to black. but now it's gone and she could be anywhere at all with anyone at all. i'm sure she needs and wants and feels like before, but it has nothing to do with me.

and it was a summers night, some years ago. we walked and talked and there was something hovering in the air that made the evening seem important. i can still feel that night in my heart, but i wonder if she remembers it at all. i wonder if it meant anything to her. i wonder.

it was a warm summers night, some years ago. she looked at me once or twice, maybe three times. and in her eyes i knew we were meant to be together. and when i got home that night i got a message from her, i really enjoyed tonight is what she said. it was everything. i enjoyed it, she enjoyed it, and then i heard her voice on a phone -- it was her voice, my voice, and this feeling in the air that we were meant to be on this call and nowhere else at all.

and she used to call me at night, just to see how i am. just to tell me how she is. and she'd have the last word on my night before i went to bed. it was a warm summers night, some years ago. and now she is somewhere, anywhere, with someone who could be anyone. and i'm no-one at all.

While You Were Sleeping.

I'm awake. I think I'm awake. I'm not moving. Am I still asleep?. Who's that? Am I dreaming?. Wiggle toe, wiggle. Come on. Hold on, I'm not breathing properly. What is going on? Am I breathing? Fuck--- come on, am I breathing?. I'll scream. I'm screaming. I'm shouting. Can't you hear me?.

You are not shouting. You're laying dead still.

I am not asleep, I know this because I can feel my arm under me, I can sense my whereabouts, I'm awake. Okay, time to get up. I'm lifting my arm up. I'm opening my eyes. I'm looking around the room. Come on eyes, open! open!. I'm pushing out with my arms, and I'm calling. Is no-one hearing me?.

Your arms are not moving. You are not calling. Are you breathing?.

Oh fuck, is this it? Am I breathing? Am I going to die in my sleep? This is it, oh God. This is awful. I'm trying to fight, nothing is happening. Okay, maybe I'll just chill out. Okay, I'm chilling out.

A wave crushes through you. It's like you're being zapped away on a rollercoaster, or taken to some other plain of existence. You're definitely not laying in your bed anymore.

But I am laying in my bed. I'm not moving, I'm hardly breathing, I feel a pressure on me. COME ON FEET, MOVE! GET ME OUT OF THIS!. Oh God, Oh God.. who was that? What is that figure in my room? What's that sound? What's that blue flash? Oh my God. I'm dead. Am I dead? I'm not breathing. Oh God. Oh God. Please help me. Someone please help me! Oh fucking God what is happening to me.

You are sleeping peacefully.

OH FUCK, please. Just let me breath. Let me open my eyes. Let me move. I can almost feel my little finger. Come on boy, move that finger. Maybe you can do something.

You are laying dead still.

Come on, come on finger! Fuck, I've stopped breathing. Fuck. Come on.

Your finger moved.

You've opened your eyes.

I'm awake!!! I'm breathing! I'm alive! I'm normal. Okay, things are fine. Although, I feel like there's a ghost in the room. I'm turning the light on.

--This is the joy of Sleep Paralysis.

if heaven exists.

it exists inside this song. in particular, this version of this song. the middle part is beyond incredible.




have you ever been so lost?
have you ever been so lost?
have you ever been so alone?

have you ever felt so empty inside?
empty like you have nothing left
you wasn't sure of yourself

empty like you weren't, like you weren't sure who you were anymore.

Just get on with it.

I had this feeling and it said "when she's not in your life, you'll be a lot happier," and it's funny, because it sounded just like that voice that spoke to me the other day, it said, "When you have that job, and you live in that house-- you'll feel like fresh air, you'll feel as fine as the sand you'll see out your window."

And I. can. almost. feel it. I am almost me, I just need to get there first. I just need to get that love in my life, and I need to get that paycheck and I need to get that plane ride. When I have those, I'll be that amazing me I've always known I would be. You know who I mean-- it's the me who has a great tan, and a smile-- and my jokes hit the spot because I'm so relaxed and at ease when I tell them.

I'll be so much better then. I keep meaning to be that version of me, like when I'm in a shop and the woman is taking ages to scan my shopping. I keep meaning to smile, and be at ease with it; because life is wonderful. But life isn't quite wonderful. There's too much going on, I'm too busy and my head is all abuzz. If Johnny wasn't ill, and Claire wasn't being awkward and if my boss would listen to me, then I would be happy; because one day, I'm going to inspire people, and do charity work, and change the world bit by bit. But yeah, after that stuff is sorted out.

But hold on.

It's just like a few years back when I was almost ready to be that better version of me. I was going to let my hair be more natural, I was going to be less uptight, I was going to smile-at-you and I was going to be wonderful. But there were reasons I couldn't back then-- just like now.

The nature of life...

..Is that if Johnny isn't ill, then Mary will probably be ill. And if Claire isn't being awkward, then Natalie is probably going to be really manipulative; and if my boss was listening to me; then maybe my Brother would not understand me. The nature of life is that there are always obstacles.

Does that mean I can never be the wonderful version of me? Will life always stop me from smiling? Will it stop me from being the random, freewheelin' stumbler I am in my imagination? Why am I not the cool, loving, at ease soul who I feel in my heart? What is stopping him from being?

Well if Johnny is ill and my brother isn't understanding me and Natalie is being manipulative, in fact; even if everything seems to be stumbling and falling-- couldn't I just be happy anyway? Wouldn't that makes things better?

I could smile, I could be joyful. I could walk across the fields with this big beaming smile on my face, with my soul dancing in the wind because it has found true joy. And that woman in the supermarket would have a good day because I took the time to look at her and speak to her and say something nice. Would the world explode if I did that?

Be The Change You Want To See In The World

I finally get that quote. I don't want to be a victim of the people around me anymore. I don't want the environment to get the better of me. If I want the change, I'll be the change. If I want the world to smile more, if I want to be this super-powered wonderous version of me, I'll be it. I'll tear down the walls that've kept me being normal-me-not-quite-wonderful-me. I'm going to be the great version of me, starting right now. Life isn't always going to be wonderful, but it will only go downhill if I let circumstances dictate my mood.

I am happy.

I am alive.

I believe.

I love.

I live.

Will you join me, starting today?

the simple things

she's a lovely girl

but her tea tastes really weird, what the fuck?

she's such a pretty thing

but seriously, your tea. what the hell is going on? teabag, water, milk. what's so difficult?

she has the eyes of a sweet sweet angel

but this tea tastes like shit. is it some kind of disability? are you fucking retarded?

she has the kind of body that makes me go crazy, i can hardly control myself

but like, i've had a hard day-- i want a nice tea. WHAT IS THIS? WHY DOES IT TASTE SO BAD?

she is so wonderful. and those cute eyes told me they wanted me. and from her perfect lips she shared a little secret, she said "I only want to be with you"

but a blind, paralysed camel with anxiety issues could make a better cuppa than this. get the fuck out, love.

a dream. a girl.

life is pretty good.
i am on that road.
and i am heading somewhere really fast.
achievement.
creativity.
freedom.
life.

but there's this girl
and she made me feel
what? why? why do i feel that?

life is falling into place.
my dreams are here and they are calling me home.
they are calling me home.
art.
money.
airplanes.

life.

but this girl is so beautiful.
and if she so much as looks at me,
i'm handing her the keys to my life.
please don't look at me.

i am on my way.
i have worked so hard, for so long.
i am finally reaching that place of respect.
recognition.
privilege.
EVERYTHING

but she smiled at me
and I don't know anymore

what is to gain?
what is to lose?
who am I?
who is she?
what do I want?
what does she want?

i am getting on this plane.
my dreams are waiting on the other side.
i have had this dream since I was five.

she's had this dream since she was 4.
she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
i can't cope with her smile.
please don't smile at me.