Monday, 3 August 2009

And she never looked inside herself.

And the girl had never looked inwards, to see what might be wrong. Those around her were too angry, too judgemental, too self-obsessed, too rude, too impolite. Those around her were always in the wrong.

As her family split up into a million tiny pieces, she never saw her role. As the men drifted away, she never saw her part in their leaving. Sure, she said, 'it must be something about me,' but she never looked into why.

What would have happened if she'd looked at her own anger? her own judgements? Maybe if she'd looked at how she can be so rude, impolite, and self-obsessed. It seemed wasteful to be self-obsessed enough to believe the world was out to get her, or people were, without ever investigating further. She never found out what was in her. 'It must be something about me' is what she said, but she never looked at herself in the mirror that way.

It was a bit strange how everyone around her had failed in some way. You'd have thought she'd have seen they are humans, just like her. If only she had taken the time to see how she's similar to them, rather than just different.

'I blame myself' is what she said, of course, because she's self-obsessed. But why didn't she say 'I blame myself, maybe I can grow from this.' She took too long to identify with her own part in her life. She took too long to discover why she'd been left, and let down, and looked down upon. She took too long to say 'I'm me.' Before long she was nothing like anyone around her, because she refused to admit she can be spiteful, condescending, confusing, selfish. She didn't see how a moment of road rage or an argument in a shop was as much about her as the other person.

Her brain divided. All that could love, feel and receive was cut off from her personality, because she spent too long on the other side, too long being defeated by not opening her eyes to herself. And as she takes her pills and mutters to herself about her prejudices, she doesn't realise she's just an insight away from growing. If she took a day to look at herself and identify with who she is -- she might just find the road to happiness.


  1. I think the hardest thing to do sometimes is to be introspective and admit our own faults. Good thoughts...makes me think

  2. Very true. It is hardest to be honest with ourselves. Yet in doing so, we grow the most.

  3. Oh dear, this description brings back so many memories :) I used to be that girl. The why-me-girl until one day someone called me out for the mask I was hiding behind and forced me to rip if off and just be.

    This may be my first visit to your blog (which I stumbled across from Sally-Sal's), but it will not be my last. Thanks for the good read ;)

  4. Lovely piece of writing, you write about things from the female perspective extremely well :) intriguing