Friday, 31 July 2009

Better Days

Isn't today a wonderful day? And I feel bad because I'm losing touch with you, internet. Outside it's a wonderful day. It might be sunny, it might be raining -- either way, I'm still breathing. You're still breathing. Everyone is still breathing. So today is a good day.

If you're worried about smiling, it just takes one smile to make a smile and we can all do it right now. Go smile at a stranger, see them nearly have a heart attack when they see it. Who cares, they're still breathing.

Isn't today a wonderful day? You can jump up in the air. You're allowed. You can have your iPod really loud. You're allowed. You can email an old friend. It's allowed. You can have a beer. It's allowed. You can watch an old movie. It's allowed. You can say to your boss "in a minute, I'm doing something". It's allowed.

You're allowed to have a wonderful day. Let's have a day free of repression, depression and reflection. Let today be today. You're breathing, I'm breathing, our houses are standing and there's tea in the pot.

Come on, I'm not joking.. keep that smile on your face.

Feel it. Feel alive, feel some pride, feel everything.

Today is a great day. And if someone you love is not having such a good day, maybe they can't have the best day ever, but you can make it a bit better. You can make them breath easier. All it takes is a phone call. A box of chocolates. A bad joke. A smile. A ticket. A song. A Dance. A dream.

Wow, what an amazing day.

I'm breathing, you're breathing, and Van Morrison is on the radio.
I'm breathing, you're breathing, and someone loves you.
I'm breathing, you're breathing, and you deserve some ice cream today.
I'm alive, you're alive, and we feel alright.

What a day to be alive. And the good news is? Tomorrow's looking just the same.

Thursday, 30 July 2009

summer dreams ripped at the seams

it was a warm summers night, some years ago. she was everything then but she could be anywhere now. she used to call because she wanted to know how i was at night, she wanted to hear me before she faded to black. but now it's gone and she could be anywhere at all with anyone at all. i'm sure she needs and wants and feels like before, but it has nothing to do with me.

and it was a summers night, some years ago. we walked and talked and there was something hovering in the air that made the evening seem important. i can still feel that night in my heart, but i wonder if she remembers it at all. i wonder if it meant anything to her. i wonder.

it was a warm summers night, some years ago. she looked at me once or twice, maybe three times. and in her eyes i knew we were meant to be together. and when i got home that night i got a message from her, i really enjoyed tonight is what she said. it was everything. i enjoyed it, she enjoyed it, and then i heard her voice on a phone -- it was her voice, my voice, and this feeling in the air that we were meant to be on this call and nowhere else at all.

and she used to call me at night, just to see how i am. just to tell me how she is. and she'd have the last word on my night before i went to bed. it was a warm summers night, some years ago. and now she is somewhere, anywhere, with someone who could be anyone. and i'm no-one at all.

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

While You Were Sleeping.

I'm awake. I think I'm awake. I'm not moving. Am I still asleep?. Who's that? Am I dreaming?. Wiggle toe, wiggle. Come on. Hold on, I'm not breathing properly. What is going on? Am I breathing? Fuck--- come on, am I breathing?. I'll scream. I'm screaming. I'm shouting. Can't you hear me?.

You are not shouting. You're laying dead still.

I am not asleep, I know this because I can feel my arm under me, I can sense my whereabouts, I'm awake. Okay, time to get up. I'm lifting my arm up. I'm opening my eyes. I'm looking around the room. Come on eyes, open! open!. I'm pushing out with my arms, and I'm calling. Is no-one hearing me?.

Your arms are not moving. You are not calling. Are you breathing?.

Oh fuck, is this it? Am I breathing? Am I going to die in my sleep? This is it, oh God. This is awful. I'm trying to fight, nothing is happening. Okay, maybe I'll just chill out. Okay, I'm chilling out.

A wave crushes through you. It's like you're being zapped away on a rollercoaster, or taken to some other plain of existence. You're definitely not laying in your bed anymore.

But I am laying in my bed. I'm not moving, I'm hardly breathing, I feel a pressure on me. COME ON FEET, MOVE! GET ME OUT OF THIS!. Oh God, Oh God.. who was that? What is that figure in my room? What's that sound? What's that blue flash? Oh my God. I'm dead. Am I dead? I'm not breathing. Oh God. Oh God. Please help me. Someone please help me! Oh fucking God what is happening to me.

You are sleeping peacefully.

OH FUCK, please. Just let me breath. Let me open my eyes. Let me move. I can almost feel my little finger. Come on boy, move that finger. Maybe you can do something.

You are laying dead still.

Come on, come on finger! Fuck, I've stopped breathing. Fuck. Come on.

Your finger moved.
You've opened your eyes.

I'm awake!!! I'm breathing! I'm alive! I'm normal. Okay, things are fine. Although, I feel like there's a ghost in the room. I'm turning the light on.

--This is the joy of Sleep Paralysis.

if heaven exists.

it exists inside this song. in particular, this version of this song. the middle part is beyond incredible.

have you ever been so lost?
have you ever been so lost?
have you ever been so alone?

have you ever felt so empty inside?
empty like you have nothing left
you wasn't sure of yourself

empty like you weren't, like you weren't sure who you were anymore.

Monday, 27 July 2009

Just get on with it.

I had this feeling and it said "when she's not in your life, you'll be a lot happier," and it's funny, because it sounded just like that voice that spoke to me the other day, it said, "When you have that job, and you live in that house-- you'll feel like fresh air, you'll feel as fine as the sand you'll see out your window."

And I. can. almost. feel it. I am almost me, I just need to get there first. I just need to get that love in my life, and I need to get that paycheck and I need to get that plane ride. When I have those, I'll be that amazing me I've always known I would be. You know who I mean-- it's the me who has a great tan, and a smile-- and my jokes hit the spot because I'm so relaxed and at ease when I tell them.

I'll be so much better then. I keep meaning to be that version of me, like when I'm in a shop and the woman is taking ages to scan my shopping. I keep meaning to smile, and be at ease with it; because life is wonderful. But life isn't quite wonderful. There's too much going on, I'm too busy and my head is all abuzz. If Johnny wasn't ill, and Claire wasn't being awkward and if my boss would listen to me, then I would be happy; because one day, I'm going to inspire people, and do charity work, and change the world bit by bit. But yeah, after that stuff is sorted out.

But hold on.

It's just like a few years back when I was almost ready to be that better version of me. I was going to let my hair be more natural, I was going to be less uptight, I was going to smile-at-you and I was going to be wonderful. But there were reasons I couldn't back then-- just like now.

The nature of life...

..Is that if Johnny isn't ill, then Mary will probably be ill. And if Claire isn't being awkward, then Natalie is probably going to be really manipulative; and if my boss was listening to me; then maybe my Brother would not understand me. The nature of life is that there are always obstacles.

Does that mean I can never be the wonderful version of me? Will life always stop me from smiling? Will it stop me from being the random, freewheelin' stumbler I am in my imagination? Why am I not the cool, loving, at ease soul who I feel in my heart? What is stopping him from being?

Well if Johnny is ill and my brother isn't understanding me and Natalie is being manipulative, in fact; even if everything seems to be stumbling and falling-- couldn't I just be happy anyway? Wouldn't that makes things better?

I could smile, I could be joyful. I could walk across the fields with this big beaming smile on my face, with my soul dancing in the wind because it has found true joy. And that woman in the supermarket would have a good day because I took the time to look at her and speak to her and say something nice. Would the world explode if I did that?

Be The Change You Want To See In The World

I finally get that quote. I don't want to be a victim of the people around me anymore. I don't want the environment to get the better of me. If I want the change, I'll be the change. If I want the world to smile more, if I want to be this super-powered wonderous version of me, I'll be it. I'll tear down the walls that've kept me being normal-me-not-quite-wonderful-me. I'm going to be the great version of me, starting right now. Life isn't always going to be wonderful, but it will only go downhill if I let circumstances dictate my mood.

I am happy.
I am alive.
I believe.
I love.
I live.

Will you join me, starting today?

Sunday, 26 July 2009

the simple things

she's a lovely girl
but her tea tastes really weird, what the fuck?
she's such a pretty thing
but seriously, your tea. what the hell is going on? teabag, water, milk. what's so difficult?
she has the eyes of a sweet sweet angel
but this tea tastes like shit. is it some kind of disability? are you fucking retarded?
she has the kind of body that makes me go crazy, i can hardly control myself
but like, i've had a hard day-- i want a nice tea. WHAT IS THIS? WHY DOES IT TASTE SO BAD?
she is so wonderful. and those cute eyes told me they wanted me. and from her perfect lips she shared a little secret, she said "I only want to be with you"
but a blind, paralysed camel with anxiety issues could make a better cuppa than this. get the fuck out, love.

a dream. a girl.

life is pretty good.
i am on that road.
and i am heading somewhere really fast.

but there's this girl
and she made me feel
what? why? why do i feel that?

life is falling into place.
my dreams are here and they are calling me home.
they are calling me home.

but this girl is so beautiful.
and if she so much as looks at me,
i'm handing her the keys to my life.
please don't look at me.

i am on my way.
i have worked so hard, for so long.
i am finally reaching that place of respect.

but she smiled at me
and I don't know anymore

what is to gain?
what is to lose?
who am I?
who is she?
what do I want?
what does she want?

i am getting on this plane.
my dreams are waiting on the other side.
i have had this dream since I was five.

she's had this dream since she was 4.
she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
i can't cope with her smile.
please don't smile at me.

Saturday, 25 July 2009


In 1944, I could have been a Polish Jew, 7 years old-- starved for nine months and then had my little body gassed without my family knowing.

In 1993 I could have been a Muslim woman in Yugoslavia, being raped by Serbian men and not knowing why.

I could be a 50 year old African man in 2009, or I could be that same man in 1999 but I'd be forty years old, or it could be 1989 and I'm 30 years old. And the whole time my family have looked at me to find them water, and only occasionally could I deliver.

In 2003, I could have been an Iraqi school teacher who's just inspired a young child to do a really beautiful drawing. I could have survived my school being bombed with only a broken leg.

It could be 1860, and this white man is beating me because I didn't clean the shit in his front yard quite to his liking. But it's not as bad as it sounds because I hardly knew I was human at the time.

In 2009, I could be an English guy in his 20's who hardly looks at the news at all, hardly knows anything, hardly cares. I could be a guy in his 20's who get stressed when his internet connection doesn't work, I could get angry at people when they don't speak English.

I could have been anything at all.
You could have been anything at all.
These people are all still around us, in different ways.
I don't want to judge anymore.
I don't want to hate.
I want to know about your life.
I want to know where you grew up.
I want to know your history.

I want to be your friend.

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

there i am

and you remember a little memory of being under the streetlights on some damp november night from when you were 16. and you were dressed to impress even though you felt silly as if everyone would know you were only 16 when you were trying to pass for something really old, like 18. and you remember how beautiful she looked even though right now the memory is just a blur. and you can't help but wonder why the building is so clear and the sky so clear but the memory of her face is like one of those tv shows where they blur out the ones who wouldn't give permission.

and you realise that's exactly it, the girl never gave you permission to keep her in your memory. in fact she'd probably rather she stay there as a blur because the blur is far more perfect than who she really is. but this hazy memory is perfection. it may be a blur but it's the most beautiful blur you've ever seen.

and she said 'i hope you come tonight,' and you came along, and you sat in the corner munching on the free snacks as she danced with her boyfriend. there's no way she loves that guy, i mean, there's nothing too him. there's everything to you. that's why you connect with her so much.

and you are aware that you are only 16 years old. but you aren't aware that who you are at 16 years old becomes imprinted on you forever. the photograph of you at 16 says everything about you. and you don't understand how a boy in a picture can have so many dreams, and you--- and you are still that boy, but at the same time you're not him at all.

If she had loved you at 16, who would you be today? what age would you be? when you're 24, when you're 39, when you're 73.. do you want to feel something new or do you want to feel what you felt when you were 16?

there's a blur. there's a photograph. there's a smell you can't identify. there's a road you walked down. there's a word she said and there's a meaning you took from it. she meant something else but, deep down, you still believe she meant it for you. because if she didn't, then being 16 was a waste of time. you live the rest of your life in the hope that a girl will say something to you and it will make you feel like you're 16 again. you are after that feeling.

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

Leap For You

something something nothing nothing anything was a blog that I wrote as a spur of the moment thing. I originally posted it on my old blog, last week, and upon setting up this blog reposted it here. It seemed to connect with a few people.

A friend of mine read it, and he was like "hey, there's a song in that." - Cut to a few days later and he's thrown together a version of it. He's changed the words a bit (improved them dramatically) - but the heart and soul of it is still, it feels, very much my voice. Hope you like it.

don't come around here no more.

and you find it hard to have any interesting viewpoint about the weather. but when someone talks about cancer, you know how to talk about it. you know what it is, you know what it does. and you can't help but be a little sad that you're more comfortable talking about cancer than about the weather, or about anything else.

and you know that cancer isn't a thing in the body like the doctors say it is, but really it's this cloud that hovers around, it's like this thing in the air. and it's just waiting. it's just waiting.

and you become much better at everything in life. you realise a problem at work is just a problem at work, and stress is just stress and arguments are just people who have problems with themselves. so in that respect, you're better off. but in other ways, you become scared of your phone. you've been meaning to change the ringer for years. because you feel like every time it rings it'll be that cloud saying 'i'm sorry, someone you love had a lapse in concentration so i entered their body.'

it feels like a cloud that is right there, waiting.

and when that phone rings, you hope so badly that it is just a friend wanting to chat. but chatting with a friend is hard to do because you keep messing that up. you almost feel guilty because, if the cloud was calling--then you'd know what to do, you'd know where to go. you'd know what procedures the guys in white coats are going to do to try and take the cloud away.

sometimes the sun will shine but you always know there will be more clouds on the horizon. you have seen them scattered all around you, more times than you would think is possible; even the devil would be miffed, even a dice would say it's impossible, even the law of attraction wouldn't be this quick.

this cloud has taken people i love, it has almost taken people i love, and it continues to spread rumours of a comeback. personally, i hope it takes an extended break from touring. it's not that the family don't have the power to KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS if you come near us again, it's just that-- we'd rather have some holidays, heartbreaks, heatwaves and healing.

and then we got the news today that 'it's nothing to worry about.' and we smiled. and we kind of broke down a little. and we kind of felt okay. and maybe tomorrow will be a good day.

Monday, 20 July 2009

me, myself, and myself again.

I am working hard to get somewhere, I am trying to prove myself.
Fuck you.
You never allow yourself to rest. You worry that people seeing you resting is proof you're not working hard.

I am always channelling ideas. Hunting them down. Working on them.
Your ideas are not as good as everyone elses.
You need to realise that more truthful ideas will come to you if you let them occur naturally, you need to give your imagination time to breath.

I am worried that people are going to die.
Yep, everyone's going to die the minute they're out of your sight.
You need to realize they are going to die. We all are. What's next?

I want the girl, but I have all these limits. They're in my head. They tell me she's out of my league.
She's fucking hot. She could have anyone. I bet she's fucking someone right now.
You need to shut up and get the girl. You need to realize it always stalls at the same moment, because that's the limit of your personality, based on past experience. Break it. Get past yourself.

I worry she won't want me.
Well, duh.
You need to realise that she might not want you, but why are you worrying?

I want to be doing something great!
You're too boring.
You need to close the laptop.

I want to go places, meet people, do things! I want to stumble, fall, dream and fly!
You don't have the money. Or the time. Or the personality. Fuck you.
You need to say 'I am currently going places, meeting people, I am stumbling, falling, dreaming, flying!

Sunday, 19 July 2009

a loose translation of my inner dialogue.

Well maybe I should say.. Well y'know maybe I should act like, maybe if I tried to.. Maybe if I make it seem like.. what I mean is maybe if I hide the fact that.. What if I tell her that I'm thinking of, or make her believe that I.. well I don't know I just want her to feel as if, maybe if I.. Maybe if, maybe if I, why would she? Why would she?

Maybe I could, maybe I could, hey hey hey, maybe I could just be me. Maybe she'd like that.

something something nothing nothing anything.

I could have done anything with this day. I could have gone to see you, we could have walked along by the water. And if there was no water there, we could have walked with the waves in our minds.

Thinking about it, I could do anything, on any given day. But I don't. I do something, but it's just a little piece of something that's almost nothing. It's almost nothing.

But if I could do one thing, I would come and see you. I don't even know who you are. I haven't even met you yet. But I am not going to meet you by doing nothing.

I wanna be free from this. Free from this lack of movement. I want to be free from this part of me that locks me away from all that is living. Because I feel it, I can feel the living and it is right here next to me, it is right in front of me -- I just refuse to hold it, I refuse to get in the car with it.

And I know you look at me and you think I'm in it. You think I am following my dreams and you think I am living. I'm close, I'm breathing. But I have not stepped out, I have not lept. I would leap for you, if I could just find you.

Maybe the leap comes first.

*This was written as a stream of consciousness thing, on a whim. I've not read it back. I'm posting it.