Tuesday, 18 August 2009

The Big Empty

I am perched on a wall somewhere near Waterloo, I've been spending the best part of two hours walking around. I sat in a cafe for half an hour with a cup of tea and an annoying man yapping away somewhere on another table. My walk was broken down by me sitting in a park for twenty minutes, staring at pigeons and wondering how their day was going.

And the running theme in my mind was one of discontent, one of emptiness. It might be because the girl isn't in to me, it may be because it's coming up to exactly one year since my Uncle's existence was wiped out by a careless motorcyclist, it may be because I need a nap, it could be anything.

I put my tired and world weary feelings down to being overworked. But I just checked my diary, it hasn't been that busy. But then my mind has been busy, racing away as it does. I'm into the whole personal growth thing, the positive thinking thing, the psychology stuff.. I love it all and believe in it. But the more aware you become of you and those around you, the more you see how unaware they are. People's judgements and resentments just wear you down. And you just feel tired. You want a beach, a sea, and a girl with a golden tan. But all you have is this wall, somewhere near Waterloo.

And you look around as if for a sign, as if for someone to say 'I am the missing link! I hold the key! The big empty is no more,' but that person doesn't exist. I know that I hold the key, I just have a habit of opening the wrong doors, or when one is locked I don't take the time to smash it down.

Well that was nice, a little bit of metaphorical wording, but let's not distract from what's really going on-- that a giant Big Empty is pulsating through me, wondering where they've put the beaches.

I am so over being like this.
I am so past it.


  1. I felt the exact same way yesterday. Why feel at all when it's going to come to nothing anyway some day? But this morning I was woken up by the sound of a message on my phone from a friend thanking me for something I did for her a while back. And somehow that empty feeling made space for a feeling of worth, not for myself, but for others. It felt good :)

  2. I know that feeling....even when you have someone in your life you can feel that way. I feel like the things I wanted in a relationship and in my life I got to the point it felt like it was not attainable so I "settled" and thou some days are just fine and life goes on...other days I feel that sense of emptiness, loneliness, kind of lost.