Wednesday, 22 July 2009

there i am

and you remember a little memory of being under the streetlights on some damp november night from when you were 16. and you were dressed to impress even though you felt silly as if everyone would know you were only 16 when you were trying to pass for something really old, like 18. and you remember how beautiful she looked even though right now the memory is just a blur. and you can't help but wonder why the building is so clear and the sky so clear but the memory of her face is like one of those tv shows where they blur out the ones who wouldn't give permission.

and you realise that's exactly it, the girl never gave you permission to keep her in your memory. in fact she'd probably rather she stay there as a blur because the blur is far more perfect than who she really is. but this hazy memory is perfection. it may be a blur but it's the most beautiful blur you've ever seen.

and she said 'i hope you come tonight,' and you came along, and you sat in the corner munching on the free snacks as she danced with her boyfriend. there's no way she loves that guy, i mean, there's nothing too him. there's everything to you. that's why you connect with her so much.

and you are aware that you are only 16 years old. but you aren't aware that who you are at 16 years old becomes imprinted on you forever. the photograph of you at 16 says everything about you. and you don't understand how a boy in a picture can have so many dreams, and you--- and you are still that boy, but at the same time you're not him at all.

If she had loved you at 16, who would you be today? what age would you be? when you're 24, when you're 39, when you're 73.. do you want to feel something new or do you want to feel what you felt when you were 16?

there's a blur. there's a photograph. there's a smell you can't identify. there's a road you walked down. there's a word she said and there's a meaning you took from it. she meant something else but, deep down, you still believe she meant it for you. because if she didn't, then being 16 was a waste of time. you live the rest of your life in the hope that a girl will say something to you and it will make you feel like you're 16 again. you are after that feeling.


  1. wow...another great post!!! Honestly I think that we have the moments in our life that pop up now and then and we once again feel like we did when we were a teenager!!! I also feel that things happen in our life for a reason and sometimes at that moment we do not always understand why its happening but later in life when you look makes a lot more sense....everything we go thru is a learning experience....its just a matter of if we are paying attention and willing to learn from it.

  2. " can't help but wonder why the building is so clear and the sky so clear but the memory of her face is like one of those tv shows where they blur out the ones who wouldn't give permission."

    Odd how that works, isn't it? My memories of a certain person are that way as well.

    Once again...great post.

  3. Just lovely ... makes me feel regretful, but I don't know what it is exactly I'm regretting.

    It would be nice to have somebody to hug right now.

  4. Maybe you're regretful because there was a version of me who you knew who was munching on the crisps, standing in the corner, and back then you decided against making his day.

    is it possible?

  5. lol I guess it's possible ... but it wouldn't have been a conscious decision. I was always quite shy and totally hopeless at recognising that somebody liked me. One poor guy had to ask me four times whether I wanted to give him my number before I twigged what the deal was lol hopeless.

    I think I'd feel a bit bad if I thought I had done that to someone.